How do I not know how to Skip? The incongruities of fun. #E #IAm

I'm starting with the first challenge in Pam Grout's E-Cubed book because... how did I forget how to Skip?

If you have never heard of E-cubed, it's a metaphysics book by Pan Grout based on teachings from A Course in Miracles. The first 6 chapters were more of an "I TAKE UP SPACE" section as I had heard the stories before. Finally, though, Chapter 7 starts the challenges she suggests you take to prove the lessons in A Course in Miracles work.

To say this challenge was a surprise in many ways would be putting it mildly. The lesson is to have FUN. Sounds simple, right? Well, not when you've been told all your life from the time you were a child that you don't know how to have fun.

That's really rude. To be told often that I'm not fun. When I was a kid, it was a bullying tactic, a way to try to make me conform. Since I spent most of my time hiding from the world to try not not get hit, it just pushed me further into my shell. As an adult, it was also a way to get me to conform. People think fun is what they think fun is. The problem is, every time I've conformed, I have not had fun. I've been left exhausted trying to be someone I'm not.

There are tons of different ways to have fun. For instance, I know many people love April 1st. I hate it, despise it, and it's the one day of the year you can be sure I will NOT have the computer on. Playing pranks on people is cruel, and I won't have anything to do with it.

So imagine me last night as I was first listening to this challenge. First, Pam Grout loves April Fool's Day. Second, she mentions that most adults have forgotten what it means to have fun (I'm still not sure I ever knew). And then she goes on to make suggestions of how to have fun. They included doing things that are most definitely NOT fun for me.

SCREECH! My brain skidded to a halt and in a span of five minutes, I had a backlash of every person in my life who has ever told me I was no fun at all. I had a small breakdown and cried in spasms of agony for an hour. (Until I remembered one of the statements from the I AM Discourses which brought me right out of it.)

So besides having 'fun', over the next three days I'm supposed to wake up thrilled for the day (I'm happy for the day, but thrilled? That's going to take time.) I'm also supposed to listen to fun, happy music. I'm supposed to focus on having fun (Gah!). And I'm supposed to ask "The Dude" to make me laugh. Who's the Dude? That's one of Pam's phrases to stand in for god, because the word god is the world's biggest confusion. As she mentions, using the word god brings about a form of PTSD for many. Me included. I prefer to call it Universe, or even the god-force because it sounds like an urban fantasy badass that can step in and save my ass just for the asking. I kind of imagine the godhead as the A-team, though with better hair and a more updated vehicle.

So, after the I AM saved me from my egoic bump last night, this morning I awoke determined to fulfill this challenge. So I turned on my iPad (which I never do in the morning) to bring up my Zon music. I made a small play list of happy songs and played them while I brushed my teeth and got dressed. Have to admit. While it usually takes me until I'm on my morning walk before I'm truly smiling, I was smiling to the music. I asked the god-force to do something to make me laugh and to let me know it was from it. So, that left me with... having fun. Yeah, there's some resistance there.

I have no friends in this town so there's nobody to call and go out to coffee with (thank god - social is not me). But I got to thinking of my morning walk. I walk down in a nature preserve. At that time of the morning - just as the sun is coming up - practically nobody's down there. So a little light went on. I could skip instead of walk. That's what little kids do (though honestly I do not have any memories of doing so - remember, I was hiding in closets and under beds my whole childhood). SO that was the plan. Skip instead of walk. Easy peasy, right?

WRONG!

If I ever knew how to skip, I've forgotten it. I tried, but I couldn't figure out how to skip. I'm going to have to YouTube skipping, which sounds kind of sad and not at all what fun is supposed to be about... I think. I'm still unsure of this 'fun' thing.

For me, fun is about what makes me smile and feel light. That does NOT include going to high energy areas, drinking, screaming, partying, etc. Nature makes me smile. Thinking happy thoughts makes me smile. So why can that not be fun? To me reading is fun. Art is fun (well, unless the drawing I'm doing or book cover I'm doing is not coming out the way I want. Then it's frustration.). Finding total peace is fun. Hanging out with a sweet dog is fun. Going for a drive for no reason is fun. Why does 'fun' have to be classified as something I don't enjoy?

It just occurred to me that the reason is that we all create our own reality and, as such, we all have our own version of every label out there. Other peoples' ideas of 'fun' aren't mine and they never will be. And that's okay. I'll tell my ego to stop talking and soak up my fun.

And now back to my A Course in Miracles mantra for today "I need do nothing". Tomorrow, I deep dive into the I AM Discourses.

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